Wednesday, April 06, 2005

O Animula Vagula Blandula

A plate full of spaghetti and another round of lying phone calls also yielded last night to myself, but I was too tired to write more. There has been a development of sorts, a test that was really no contest. When friends couldn't decide something, really couldn't decide something, I would tell them to flip a coin, not because it would absolve them of intellectual and moral responsibility in their quest for authenticity, but because I held that it would make the wrong choice immediately clear. Having the coin go the wrong way seems to evoke some limbic knowledge of what we really wanted all along.

So for my restless soul, my dear wandering soul. Though I must say, I think I knew, no I know I knew; I just didn't want this very particular choice to come my way now. To GET OUT of where I have ended up, professionally and possibly geographically, I had applied to a selective agency that could find me a better position doing what I have ended up doing (is this vague enough ? sorry. I am too tired and not yet ready to get into it), so a lateral move to a different sector of the same profession, which is not what I want to be doing. They accepted me and sent my credentials to a number of places, and as I received contact information, I started to realize that I would not be happy doing what I'm doing, even in more elite conditions, i.e. if I have to stick with this, I might as well stay where I am (if I live. It is midnight. I have to get up at five. I get home at three, and today, thought for certain that I would not nap, I would stay awake, but the migraine had done me in, and now I am trying to write this up before I go back to bed. Had slept til 10:00 pm. Whole evening gone, whole life gone, but I digress...). So I haven't been following up on the possibilities, except to not apply or inquire further. Then, no sooner had I written yesterday, then a place in the exact region I miss terribly contacted me with an opening. Would I be interested ?

I don't know what possessed me. I answered with a few follow-up questions, saying yes, sure, I'd like to discuss this wonderful opportunity. They are apparently very, very eager, as they phoned all my phones and wanted to talk tonight, a time difference not withstanding. I will e-mail them and put them off til Friday. God help me, I can't do it. I don't want to move again for something I don't really want to do. Would move almost anywhere (let's face it, anywhere in the continental US) to be doing what I used to do. I am working on that, too, that is what holds out hope to my soul in these barren places...

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